ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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