Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
