Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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