I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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