i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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