Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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