don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
