i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
