Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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