got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
