It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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