so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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