Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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