planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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