he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
What drink are we having for lunch?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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