I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize