You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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