My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
