I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
