But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Lo siento on account of my penis...
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
