Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
