Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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