Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Randomize
