4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
