alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
