Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
