I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
