Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize