he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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