Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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