I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize