I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
