i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
