I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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