the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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