Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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