6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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