watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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