Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
