I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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