What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize