Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
