We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
