So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
