My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
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