R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
