Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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