and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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