Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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