my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
