dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize