It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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