I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
