look no pants
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize