Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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