Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
