Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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