That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Can you bring me the toilet please
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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