I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
