dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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