big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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