My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
