I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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