Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize