Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
