Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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