He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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