its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
