dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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