your parents love me but you hate me
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
